Not In The Past

Looking forward from 30

Archive for the tag “New Years”


I’ve been terrible about blogging lately, and to be honest, I’ve hit another block of dissatisfaction when it comes to this and the other blogs I keep in my name.  I’m wondering if this is too much of a diversion from keeping an “official” web presence under my real name, but I realize doing that has implications on my professional image.  I like having the potential for wider audience than a friends-only Livejournal post, but don’t feel as free to write about more negative emotional states or sexuality here than I would there.  This space is supposed to keep me writing, but I find the block is coming at me again when I’m here.

I was glad to see 2012 off: there were a few highlights, and an important life change, but I also had another bout of illness (whooping cough in August/September), my parents’ dog died in Novemberand the whole spell of unemployment I went through until I did get work took its toll on me.  It really did not help that I was living at home in an atmosphere that seemed to enable pessimism and reclusiveness, and the combination of it all brought me the biggest crisis in self-confidence I suffered in about 7 years.  I’m glad to be in my own space again, and working at a steady job for now (even if it is a term position that may not last too much longer): I feel a bit more in control of my life and my destiny, and that helps.

But what of the new year? Where do I want to be at years’ end?  Grand pronouncements that a year is going to be better than the last tend to blow up in the face of the person that make them, as do promises of lofty goals.  I tried doing 30 before 30 last year.  Didn’t exactly get everything done, but it was worth a try.  I thought I would try to get another list of goals posted sometime by the end of the week, which I’m still trying to winnow down.

I think it’s time to think about what I really want out of life again, though.  I’m so used to practicality and trying to be satisfied with the low-hanging fruit, and I really need a little more inspiration this time around.  If you have a suggestion for something to get out of this year, I would really love to hear it.


What’s upon us…

New Years Eve is usually the night where you make these well-intentioned promises to improve one aspect of yourself, and by the time spring rolls around, you’ve reneged on at least three of them.  New Years Eve is also one of those nights where it’s socially acceptable to get shitfaced to the point where you question your life’s choices.   I had a few rum and Pepsis tonight to just make it different from any other night, but I don’t have the energy or the desire to get myself wearing the proverbial lampshade hat anyway, and I think I’m just going to turn in after watching a few DVDs or listening to a little music.

I can’t say years have been good or bad anymore.  There’s such a mixture of the welcome with the absolute excrement that occurs in any given year that I’m not willing to write a year off or give it a free pass like I used to.  My grandmother died right at the beginning of the year, I got laid off in October, and I’m still in Miramichi right now, but I also had the opportunity to spend time with friends I hadn’t seen in ages, and I’ve narrowed down my search for a new city to Halifax, and I’ll get back to the ensuing job hunt once I’m not so distracted by holidays and visiting sisters from up North.  I’ve read blog posts that were written with such precision and pull that I could only dream about being able to approach, and I’ve connected with many different people online.  I was both brazen and cautious about what I shared about myself, and I’ve alternately reached out and pulled away.  My main regret is how much stasis still exists in my life, and all the things I vow to change about myself yet never actually commit to doing.

I find myself contemplating the nature of the universe time and time again.  I see all the negativity around me and that I’ve had my part in, particularly when it’s related to politics.  I struggle with ideas that I’ve been surrounded by since childhood, and whether I can truly subscribe to some set definition of the meaning of life to the exclusion of all others.  I find definitions for myself that fluctuate from one minute to the next, and grow fainter the more I succumb to routine and playing it safe.

I turn 30 this year.   In too many ways I still don’t feel like an adult, but in too many other ways I feel much older than I really am.

I would like to wish a happy new year to all my friends, followers and readers, but I think it’s more appropriate to wish that they have what they need to get through the next revolution around the sun.  I can’t guarantee it’s going to be a good year for anyone much less myself, and it’s basically just another stumble into chance, whether it’s some sort of predestined path we’re being thrown into or not.  But I hope I don’t stray too far from you.

Next year…

I had a few goals for the last year that didn’t exactly pan out.  Most new year’s resolutions tend not to anyway, but I do think I at least feel a little more open, and a little better connected than I did last year.  I managed to get out of town a few times, including a weekend in Fredericton back in April, a week in Halifax in July, and another fortnight down there in November.

I definitely think it is time for a new start next year.  I have to get out of Miramichi fast…pretty much everyone I’ve talked to about this agrees.  The goal is to get down to Halifax as soon as something happens on the employment horizon.  I think maybe I need to do something for New Year’s Eve though: my usual New Years celebration is staying at home and having a drink or two.  When “home” means my parents’ home, I get the urge to leave a little more because we have different ideas of what a good time is.  I see the patterns my life tends to fall into and I have to wonder if I can break some of the less appealing cycles, or if these are a manifestation of something fundamental about myself.

I wonder how radical my reboot needs to be.  The last time I started over, when I moved to Riverview almost four years ago, it didn’t feel so much like a radical change even though I was basically starting fresh in a new city without too many people I knew.  Back then, though, I wasn’t as brave as I realize I am now.  Half the stuff I’ve posted on here I wouldn’t have dreamed of posting four years ago, and I’ve been able to build a bit of a community for myself online because I had the courage to be who I am.  In a way, this move feels different.

I talk about moving to Halifax, but I wonder if maybe I need to go further than that eventually if I am to get anywhere.  I love Halifax, mainly because childhood memories have had it be the basis of what a city was, but I also have a lot of friends down there, there seems to be enough going on socially and culturally, and compared to other places there’s a more open mind about certain things.  Part of me wants to go further, though.

I wonder if I can make a living through writing or taking pictures.  Right now, career-wise, I can only think of what’s in front of me.  And a lot of the options I know I easily qualify for do not appeal to me in the least.  I honestly do feel at time that six years in a call centre has cancelled out my degree.

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