Not In The Past

Looking forward from 30

Passive

I’ve been applying for jobs all week; I’ve done about 15-20 in the past few days, and usually end up bookmarking jobs that sound remotely close to what I could do whether I’m actually qualified or interested in them or not.  I’m of two minds when it comes to customer service jobs: they’re what I have most experience in, but at the same time I feel so disposable when I’m in those jobs.  I feel like I’m standing still, or worse, falling behind while everyone else.  I would be more OK with starting at the bottom if I were younger, but I’m 30 now.  I don’t want something too fancy or prestigious, just something where I can make a living and feel like I can move up.  It would feel like another in a string of failures if I ended up at another call centre, at least on the lowest rung.

The thing I hate is feeling so passive, and at the mercy at someone else’s whims.  That’s essentially how I felt when I worked in call centres, and its how I feel whenever I’m at home or unemployed.  It doesn’t help that my worst habits seem to be indulged or encouraged whenever I’m living at home.  I was hoping to be out of Miramichi after only 6 months.  I’m coming up on two years this September.  I’m looking for work in Halifax; it’s harder to find work unless you actually live in the city you’re looking in.  Only trouble is I can’t afford to move unless I have a job lined up.

I’m so God damn frustrated and feel more powerless than I really am.  I should just hop somewhere on a whim instead of letting each week disappear to habit and the endless loops of existence, or whining about it.

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