Not In The Past

Looking forward from 30

Loosen Up

It’s time to loosen up and let the ideas flow out of my head.  It’s time to shape them into coherent narratives about something that happened to me.

It’s difficult, though, to do such a thing when I feel like my life is in stasis.  I feel limited and blocked off: really, how do I make a day where I don’t do much of anything exciting?  What’s scarier is when I can’t capture what it was in my memories and experiences that was so vivid; the emotions and the magic of connection fade out and I’m left with this unremarkable meeting between two parties.  It might as well be a business meeting for all I remember.

What I love is spending time with someone you haven’t seen in a while, and in that rediscovering what it is about the person that made you enjoy their company in the first place.  I’ve been lucky to get that with a few people lately, and I send my gratitude and love to them.  Not being as disposed to being social makes me appreciate the connections that somehow take hold.

I need to build an identity for myself; I feel one imposed on me right now.  I don’t think it’s my true self.  Fresh starts are welcome, but I wonder how attainable they really are.

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