Not In The Past

Looking forward from 30

Saturday evening thoughts

One thing that plagues me during the whole job hunting process (and even when I’m working regularly, especially in something like call centre work) is the self-doubt.  It’s especially nagging when you’re clear that you’re not at one of your peaks.  There are times when I’m energized, ready to send out a thousand resumes and go after a job, and then there are times when I get these thoughts in my head about my lack of non-call centre experience, my Bachelor’s degree that hasn’t been used, feelings about not being able to compete in the job market and having to settle for some low-skill, low-wage job.  I’m also in an environment that doesn’t do well for my mental health (not going into details).

The Internet has this habit of throwing articles into my path when I need to read them, and I came across Schmutzie’s latest post: 25 Things to Know and Do about Self-Doubt.  The first tip speaks to me because I’ve lived way too long thinking that life was something to get through unscathed: part of it was upbringing, part of it was experience.  But Schmutzie reminds us, “staying safe sometimes contraindicates well-being. ”   Right now, I can testify to that.

Yesterday’s news about Adam Yauch was a bummer.  Huge response on my Facebook feed, too: a lot of people had something to say, and it really is a huge loss to music and activism alike.  I was a little caught off guard by the response, as horrible as someone dying before they hit 50 thanks to a brutal, unforgiving disease like cancer is.  I knew how innovative the Beastie Boys were, and how committed to social issues and activism Yauch was, but it didn’t feel as monumental a loss to me because I got into the Beasties’ music really late (saw them on SNL before, heard a few of the hits but didn’t buy one of their albums until the deluxe “Check Your Head” reissue came out in ’09).  I didn’t really get rap for a while, and still don’t really have an extensive collection.  If I had been listening to them since childhood, this would be more gutting.  It feels more like it did when Jack Layton died: a shock but not a huge surprise, a stark reminder of cancer’s cruelty, and an overall sense of loss of someone who was working toward a better world.

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2 thoughts on “Saturday evening thoughts

  1. I too just read Schmutzie’s post and it got me reflecting, which is why she is so good at what she does… you beat me to writing about it!

    Good luck with the job search!

  2. I wrote that list this morning as a way to pep-talk myself, because I’ve got some big self-doubt to overcome at the moment. I’m so glad something on the list spoke to you 🙂

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