Not In The Past

Looking forward from 30

Happiness and getting older

I’m trying to really figure out what makes me happy.

I think I’m getting closer to knowing, but at the same time, the whole process is a bunch of trial and error, and it’s forced me to re-examine things that I thought I knew about myself.  I’ve come to a few realizations: some things that I used to enjoy were just comforting because of their familiarity, and there were some things I was actually afraid of liking.  I’m not going to go into too much personal detail here, but I know more that my preference to get through life as unscathed as possible was holding me from a lot of things.

The gulf between 20 and 30 narrows and widens depending on the day.  I remember ten years ago I was shocked that I was already an adult when I didn’t feel like one.  Sometimes I don’t feel a whole lot older and do a double take when I realize that some memory was already many years ago.  In a way I still feel like I haven’t really gotten a start on life, just staying in different holding patterns for a few years at a time.  But then I realize how many of my friends are well into careers, relationships and even parenthood.  One of my good friends is actually running for political office.  Those are moments when I realize time is finite, and I have to stop being so passive and resigned to my inertia.

The longer I avoid making difficult decisions and forcing myself into action, the more years I lose that could have been spent happy, fulfilled and heading towards something.

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3 thoughts on “Happiness and getting older

  1. Make a list. It’s what I do. Write out the things which make you happy – everything you can think of and in as much details as you can put. eg. Sitting in the front seat on the top deck of a double decker bus. Lying on cool, freshly cut grass. The minute I finish typing the last sentence of a novel and I know it’s done.

  2. ” Sometimes I don’t feel a whole lot older and do a double take when I realize that some memory was already many years ago.  In a way I still feel like I haven’t really gotten a start on life, just staying in different holding patterns for a few years at a time.  But then I realize how many of my friends are well into careers, relationships and even parenthood”

    Gods, that exactly how I feel. It seems to me that the important thing is that we’re asking, and not just assuming the appearance of whatever it is we’re *supposed* to want.

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