Not In The Past

Looking forward from 30

On fire (another stream of consciousness)

I just listen to the slow-motion whine, and my head pounds at the slightest provocation.  I move my head and I get this sharp pain; my eyes tear up a little bit and I think I was hit by something, but it never actually happened.  I’m warm, listening to my heart beat and think about where I am this time.  True, it’s the same place I’ve been for the last hour, but it seems different anyway.  Maybe because it’s all still except for a faint hum and my right ear having pressure issues.   I relax, and then the city just stops.

I want to be on that train whenever I get around to forcing myself to booking it.  It’s all up in the air, and nothing is clear.  My imagination is limited by perceived obligations: these are emotional investments in a future that I could imagine at one time and then second-guessed.  If it means anything, I would just think about the road I’ve been on a few times already.  It’s like when I go out to eat, I decide I’m craving a certain flavor, see things I want to try one day, and then return to what it is that originally brought me to the restaurant.  This is a little silly, isn’t it.

I want to cross the continent sometime before we get ourselves into a new war, gas prices are astronomical, and the province of New Brunswick decides to charge a $1000 fee to any resident who dares escape its borders.  I guess I’m a pessimist.  Seriously, though: I want to make it up to Newfoundland and see the Pacific Ocean one of these days.  I think of people that I’ve been keeping too much of a distance from.  I don’t engage as much as I used to five years ago: even then, it was less than I did a few years before that.  I toyed with having a reunion with friends in Halifax one time, before plans and work schedules and circumstance screwed around.  I don’t put too much stock into meticulously planned get-togethers, though.  I love lucking into an unexpected memorable evening the most.

I could write a book about the people I’ve had some great evenings with.  The details are getting fuzzier, though.  When this happens, it’s a sign I need to go out and create fresher memories.  I just need to surrender to openness again, and shake off whatever weight that convenience and safety added to my spirit.

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2 thoughts on “On fire (another stream of consciousness)

  1. Pogue Mahone on said:

    The province seriously charges a 1000$ fee if you leave? How would they even KNOW where you are though if you moved? Just leave and don’t inform them and not have to pay the fee. That’s just ridiculous, like in some Communist state!

    • I was just making a joke, but the way everything’s going here with the provincial deficit and continued out-migration to the west, I can see the NB government doing that.

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