Not In The Past

Looking forward from 30

More navel-gazing

I get the feeling from time to time that the universe is sending me signals.  I don’t really know whether it’s an omnipotent and interventionist deity or just trillions of small little chain reactions and coincidences that manage to come together in a certain way, but it always seems that I get the same kind of message from different sources at the same time.  It’s not a case of me consciously seeking the message out either: it just so happens that I randomly come across it.

About two years ago, I took a trip to Ontario to visit family and see “Rent” in Toronto.  On the Go Transit, there was a guy and a girl having this conversation about goals and working hard toward them.  The details of the conversation get fuzzier with each passing month, but for some reason it struck a chord with me at the time.  I found one of my old blog entries about that (already written so long afterwards that the details were lost in my head) where I likened it to Conan O’Brien’s “never be cynical” speech from his last Tonight Show (which I remember watching there).  The reason those words spoke to me was that at the time, I was in a pretty bad spot with work: it wasn’t that I wasn’t good at it, but I was at a point where I would be filled with so much dread every time I walked into the place.  At the time, I took those messages to be signs that waiting for something to get better will not necessarily accomplish anything.  I do have a little trouble actually jumping out of the ruts I dig myself into, though.

Just recently, I kept coming across a lot of similar thinking about casting aside fear and actually no longer holding your own life hostage to what other people think.  Or coming across all this encouragement to keep writing.  This has to be a sign.  Maybe I’m just reading validation of my own desires and impulses into things.  There’s something about being able to write about a memory so vividly that just impresses me.  Being able to build an entire reality out of words put together is just an amazing skill to master.

Anyone who knows me well knows I watch SNL a lot.  Funny thing is, as much as I love the show and finding out these details about its history, or who wrote what sketch, I never actually see myself as one of the performers, and I honestly don’t know if I would want to even write in such a pressure-cooker environment.  I have high admiration for the cast and writers being able to pull together a show in less than a week, even if there are weeks when the inspiration isn’t there, or they get stuck trying to carry a weak host.   I think, though, I would prefer to work on the kind of show not so bogged down with its legacy: with SNL, it’s become this institution and I find a lot of the writing seems to be “that’s what’s expected of us”.  Sometimes they pull off a classic political cold opening, but I wonder how many Obama “in-ones” are done out of an obligation to be this topical show that its reputation makes it out to be?

Writing here helps a lot, even if it is only to sort out the cacophony all these thoughts make in my mind.

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One thought on “More navel-gazing

  1. D-vine on said:

    You are over-thinking. Don’t waste precious time mulling over whether you want one thing or another.. am I good enough, is this right, should I, could I.. If you spent a quarter of the time creating that you do considering it, you would be much further along and possibly much happier. Throw your fear to the wind.. nearly three decades into your life you are still having the urge to create.. Follow your heart.

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