Not In The Past

Looking forward from 30

Next year…

I had a few goals for the last year that didn’t exactly pan out.  Most new year’s resolutions tend not to anyway, but I do think I at least feel a little more open, and a little better connected than I did last year.  I managed to get out of town a few times, including a weekend in Fredericton back in April, a week in Halifax in July, and another fortnight down there in November.

I definitely think it is time for a new start next year.  I have to get out of Miramichi fast…pretty much everyone I’ve talked to about this agrees.  The goal is to get down to Halifax as soon as something happens on the employment horizon.  I think maybe I need to do something for New Year’s Eve though: my usual New Years celebration is staying at home and having a drink or two.  When “home” means my parents’ home, I get the urge to leave a little more because we have different ideas of what a good time is.  I see the patterns my life tends to fall into and I have to wonder if I can break some of the less appealing cycles, or if these are a manifestation of something fundamental about myself.

I wonder how radical my reboot needs to be.  The last time I started over, when I moved to Riverview almost four years ago, it didn’t feel so much like a radical change even though I was basically starting fresh in a new city without too many people I knew.  Back then, though, I wasn’t as brave as I realize I am now.  Half the stuff I’ve posted on here I wouldn’t have dreamed of posting four years ago, and I’ve been able to build a bit of a community for myself online because I had the courage to be who I am.  In a way, this move feels different.

I talk about moving to Halifax, but I wonder if maybe I need to go further than that eventually if I am to get anywhere.  I love Halifax, mainly because childhood memories have had it be the basis of what a city was, but I also have a lot of friends down there, there seems to be enough going on socially and culturally, and compared to other places there’s a more open mind about certain things.  Part of me wants to go further, though.

I wonder if I can make a living through writing or taking pictures.  Right now, career-wise, I can only think of what’s in front of me.  And a lot of the options I know I easily qualify for do not appeal to me in the least.  I honestly do feel at time that six years in a call centre has cancelled out my degree.


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One thought on “Next year…

  1. Ben, I don’t have an answer for you. Unfortunately, you’ll have to work this out yourself in terms of how much of a change you should make.
    I think one of the hardest things for all of us is trying to figure out where we fit in the world, and what we have to offer that will contribute and make us feel good about ourselves. Suffice it to say, doing the same thing you’ve always done probably won’t move you toward that goal, so change is important. It’s just a question of, how much change? How much is too much? Only you can decide that.
    My thoughts are with you. Make 2012 your best year yet.

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