Not In The Past

Looking forward from 30

Five minute free-write

It’s all surface mnoise and sparks.   Once I was on an upper floor of a cicrular hotel building, the swimming pool on the top floor and awkwardly circling the elevator on one side, filling the space between the shaft and the glass window looking out on the town of Kenora.  I think of places I have been in my past, and want to revisit them.  I want to find some way to just create this one narrative from one point in my life to the other.  I want to just get to Saskatchewan, where I was a  toddler, to Manitoba, where I lived for years and years, to Ontarion, really where I feel like I’m from.  Halifax is the next step, apparently.  Am I having cold feet?  Maybe I don’t want a  life of danger, but a life of the same old, the familiar.  The facrt I can recognize this as empty and false is encouraging, but where do I go?  I  think it’s time to bust loose and star cruising down a remote stretch of highway that opens into the outside world and not this shadow rural land that feels like a vaccuum.  No fixed history, we tear down everything after neglecting it for 50 years.  And we still don’t build on anything anyway.  Ity feels jerky and spaced out weird.  Mundane, no special feeling like the runner would want.  Listen


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