Not In The Past

Looking forward from 30

Directions

I’ve been thinking more and more about the direction I want to take with my life.  Maybe it’s just the five minute free writes that have me considering this, but I’m getting the desire to be a writer again.  I liked writing when I was a kid, but I resurrected the notion of actually being a writer after collaborating on a screenplay with a friend of mine in my last year of university.  It’s such a burning itch inside of me, and I’ve had a lot of people tell me how good a writer I am, but part of me in the back of my mind say that I need to think practically.

When I was living in Riverview, I would sometimes get to a point where I needed to go to a cafe, whip out my pen and one of my many notebooks.  Sometimes, I would write at length.  Sometimes, I was blocked.  I would get frustrated when I looked at various notes and character sketches and be absolutely lost as to whether I can build on something.  I would wonder how my friend could do it.  I would see other people post their writing and get intimidated by their talent.  I was also working at a particularly draining job at the time, and by the time I got home, I would just be too numb to even think about doing anything but clicking links and watching DVDs.  I would hole up in my apartment when I didn’t need to be anywhere, and I withdrew from people.  Stories come from life and experience, but for the time being, I felt that it was my place to just wait.  Eventually, I did make a break from that one holding pattern into another one that lasted about a year, and right now I am on the verge of trying to kick-start my life again.

I’m still only getting restarted with my writing.  The free write is encouraging just because I’m letting go of a lot of the inhibitions I would normally have when I write.  I’m also coming to a point in my life where I’m embracing who I really am and ready to share that authentically without hiding behind some pseudonym.  I want to put myself out there.  But am I ready?

It comes down to whether I could be happy doing anything else.  I know there are things I am good at but can do mindlessly.  And then there’s writing and photography, two things I actually care about and want to do, but wonder if I have the absolute passion to keep at them for a career.  I wonder if breaks where I don’t write or take pictures are because I just haven’t disciplined myself to constantly be doing either, or if it’s related to self-doubt and fear.

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One thought on “Directions

  1. I used to love writing but it just suddenly vanished when I became a hedonist. Now, that i mellowed down from all the debaucheries, it seems that writing beckons me again. And I’m not doing anything yet to answer such beckoning.

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